If You Didn’t Meet Him In College, Hang It Up

*double post*

I think I may have been one of the several posters that commented on some of the things you are discussing in this post.....

I feel strongly about age and marriage. I give the “talk” to my hardheaded younger cousins that are in undergrad REGULARLY. Here’s my take on why age influence women’s marriagbility. My fiancée is sitting here giving his 2 cents too lol:

1. Men simply like younger women. More importantly, they are biologically attracted to younger women. Sociology, Anthropology, Psychology & Biology confirm that women’s attractiveness and desirability has a lot to do with age. is, Women maturing earlier than men is relevant here. From appearance to natural reproductivness/fertility to most men’s prejudices of women. Age matters. Ideal ages: 21-27.
2. IMO our mothers & grandmothers had a better understanding of men. That said, they knew they didn’t have as much time as men. That said, they tended to set goal ages for getting married and STUCK to it. They were usually much more proactive and worked toward it with a vengeance—just like they did their career. Career & marriage must be worked on simultaneously. I observed & learned from my elders. My boss & her best friend are both married black women in their early 30s with PhDs and children. They met their husbands in college. Needless to say, my senior year of undergrad I wasn’t BS’ing, I got on my grind.
3. IMO most men are insecure. They are intimidated EASILY. It’s different when they meet a younger woman that’s in college or grad school that is working towards something versus the older established woman that already “has her own.” So yea, a woman that owns her own home, pushes a luxury car & expensive clothes/bags is intimidating. Men are supposed to be providers & protectors, right? What providing & protecting can they do if chick already comes across as being taken care of and she can be the savior on the white horse vs the damsel in distress??? Like where do they fit in if your life seems to be already made. I had my own apartment but my parents were still taking care of me & paying the bills. If they didn’t wanna do that, better believe I woulda moved back home. I don’t wanna be prematurely stressed & jaded by doing everything by myself.
4. Older women give men the panicky feeling of pressure. They know a woman in her late-20s+ has a biologically ticking clock. She is usually much more pressed for marriage and family much sooner in the relationship than a younger woman. My fiancée is literally scared to death of women in their late 20s. He talks about them like they are police out to get him! Take Michelle Obama for example, she married by 26, that gave her time to sit back, enjoy her husband before her biological clock started ticking. Therefore, President Obama had no worries about being forced to consider children for quite a few years.
5. Younger women seem “fun.” They tend to have accumulated less baggage, are less jaded, much more carefree, open-minded and still have a lot to learn. Back to male insecurity again—men like to think & feel like they are young forever. Younger women make them feel younger. They are grown women but haven’t lost their sweet girlish charm that will diminish as they deal with life’s struggles as they age.

This isn't politically correct to say, however, I'm gonna tell a few women what I've told my older single friends (I've also heard black men, a few mid-age women and relationship coaches say this as well; google it if you don’t believe me lol), but SOMETIMES when it comes to your age, sometimes it's best to fudge a little. Yea yea, I know some women that go on these long diatribes about "if he doesnt take me as I am, I don't need him." or "I shouldnt hafta lie", blah blah blah....Yea, that works in THEORY. Men are influenced by ages. point blank. Although I havent had to do it, I know a few women that have...trust me, I've seen firsthand this is one small discrepancy hubby/significant other get over AFTER you snag them...

Don't get me wrong, there are many women that get married in their late 20s, early 30s, etc but it seems harder from what I've been witnessing lately. I'm sure people will contest what I'm saying. However, reality, that is marriage ages and rates speak for themselves...tis all.

Here's an article a few women may find interesting. It's research on men & the “Marrying Kind”- http://www.enotalone.com/article/2815.html

This is a really great post. I think the education piece has a lot more to do with it than anyone will admit. The late John Hope Franklin, in his speech to the City University of New York, when they kicked off their Black Male Initiative made some very interesting comments about how, at one time, AA women were sent off to college not just to learn, but also as a means for parents to protect their daughters as they came of age. AA men, in turn, rarely went on to college and were expected to begin to become men/independent by finding work that was mostly available in what we would now call the blue collar arena. Of course, this wasn't for everyone, but generally speaking. At any rate, it makes a lot of sense, and dare I say it, also explains some of the friction you witness with some educated AA men staying away from educated AA women, unless they're something like the brother who posted the initial comment (SpkTruth2Pwr).

Hilarious. Way to take my statement on juice it up to a thousand. Someone has a potential career on Fox News. I think you completely misinterpreted my statement that a woman has far more choices early due to the nature of her proximity to eligible members of the opposite sex to mean that she's worthless if she doesn't find a husband after a certain time. But it's a good topic nonetheless. interested to see what people think

i think you are right about your basic premise: the younger and more beautiful you are, the more choices you have. I'm just not sure that is the best time to be making life long choices or that the folks in your selection are the best ones for you what you want to accomplish in life.

Yeah. Hell of a catch-22 ain't it? You know what they say, youth is wasted on the young.

I did meet 'him' in college. And I treated him like crap. But now, 13 years later, I look at his life, his wife (and yes, he married the one after me), and I see what I escaped. Not to say he's not a beautiful, talented, hard working and successful black man. But had I stayed with him, no way would I have accomplished in my life what I have, had the adventures I've had, developed the friendships I've developed. Now, I am a woman I'm really proud of for the most part, I still got goals and faults to work on. I wouldn't trade who I am now for what I could have had with him. I think following a script is a bad idea - damaging for all involved.

would he have limited you?

I can say with a certain degree of confidence that he wouldn't have moved all over the country with me as I have- NJ to Boston for six years to LA for the last six. Who knows, maybe I would have accomplished other things. The point is, we all have our own path to follow and none of us should short change ourselves by trying to catch a spouse when we are young. I know too many friends who married in their early 20s and are well on their way to divorce ten years later.

naw, i agree. i think getting married in your early (or even mid or late) is too young. you don't know enough about yourself and you haven't accomplished enough.

I don't really understand why you took what that gentleman said about women expiring in college so seriously. I think it's pretty obvious that many AA women find husbands in their mid twenties and some even later in life. I do agree that older and more educated women have may decrease the chances of women finding a mate. Stats show that there has been an overall decrease in AA women married. It's unfortunate but true.
"The percentage of African American women who are married declined from 62% to 36.1% between 1950 and 2000 (the jointcenter.com).

This phenonmen commonly referred to as the "marriage squeeze (for the EBW)" results from (as I am sure you all know) interacial marriage, more AA women attending college vs. men, more AA men incarerated, etc...

All of these factors do contribute to a decrease in available AA men.
, Cocoa Diva you are certainly right times have changed from when our parents went to college. People do wait a little longer but the fact there are less available AA men makes things worse. But it certainly does not mean that it it's impossible for folks in their mid/late 20's to find mates. Perhaps AA women should conisder finding a Talented (insert preferred other race here) Male, if the pickings of AA men are so slim.
I have not personally dealt with the marriage squeeze because I met my SO in high school and we stuck it out during undergrad and now grad school. My opinions are based on observations and stats. I think it's unfortunate that AA women have to spend so much time worrying about this. That's why I encourage interacial dating.

I agree with the concept of expanding the dating pool via interracial dating. However, I'll say what isn't popular. Black women aren't necessarily highly coveted and valued in terms of relationships. Sure we're sexualized and men may be curious about us, but generally speaking, other races of men aren't knocking down our doors trying to date us.

Based on anecdotal experiences, there are at least 3-4 examples I can think of in which a white man fancies a black woman. They date seriously. His mother/father says something about 'tainting the blood line.' Men from other races, especially whites, aren't open enough to interracial dating to make it the 'easy fix' for single black women.

Perhaps this is regional. I'm in Atlanta, which is still highly segregated and most interracial dating occurs between black men and white women.

black women aren't exactly the most open minded, either.

I might be an atypical male, because I do not believe women have an expiration date at all. I think this is an excellent post and that education termination is a perspective on marriage I did not think about but it seems to ring true for the majority of my friends.

For me, one of my biggest turnoffs in college was the woman I was dating talking about making big time "us" decisions - moving to the same city, going to graduate school near each other, etc. - because I felt that it was premature, and an out-of-place mentality in college, because after these declarations came the conversations that I saw as settling. "I used to want to go to this school, but after being with you for a year, I should just go to this school because it is nearer to you," or "I always wanted to go travel, but I shouldn't go work overseas because we are so serious."

True I was in long-term relationships in college with the expectation that this person could be the one - but I knew that whoever I was with would have to understand the time was not now to make plans for marriage tomorrow. It does take so much longer to "find" and "define" ourselves. Now that I know I am in a position to start settling down - I am excited to see black women who are grown and single - because I know that these women have taken the time to get themselves together so that the drama of growing pains is out the way and we can focus on building on what we have.

For a few it really is true love found when they marry before leaving college or shortly after they have their first legal drink - but for the majority I believe that it is a trap that leads to feigned happiness and suppressed regrets.

So I say, a toast to the single black women who took their time to know what they wanted in a man - hopefully ya'll will find a man who respects you for that and hopefully he has taken the time to know what he wants as well.