What Black Men Think (But Will Never Tell You)

Nice...many of these rules can be applied to us married and "established" men as well. Particularly 1, 2, 4, 6, 9, 10 & 11.

Peace.

Wow...I don't know where you got this info, but its shockingly true and relevant. I would consider printing this up and handing this out to a woman on the 1st date. Lol. Consider adding "Don't Ask, And Though Shalt Recieve" to the list. I can't stand it when a woman is constantly asking me to spend money. It isn't that I don't want to, because if I'm feeling her I will. Its just that its annoying when she always wants to do the most expensive, and extravagent things. If you don't ask ALL the time (its cool to ask) then we start thinking that we need to do more things, and spend more money! Lol. Its funny I know. But true. Spoken from a veteran in the dating game!

Mr. Alladatsh%t said:

"I would consider printing this up and handing this out to a woman on the 1st date."

Feel free to print up this list and hand it out on your "first date," but as a consequence, you won't have to worry about ever getting many "second dates."

We checked out your site, and it was interesting in a casual way, so no beef there. Keep doing your thing. Still, even in Alabama I'm sure there are countless cats who can explain to you all the flaws in the mindset of guys who make the above list of "complaints."

Personally, I've never been there--and, after checking--none of my peeps have either. But if you can testify that majority of the men there think that this list of "complaints"contributes in any real way to securing relationships--then maybe we should place it on our list of places to visit soon.

TBC,


Thanks for omitting a crucial element of my comment. You successfully turned a satirical "one-liner" against me, to illustrate me as a misogynistic beast.

It all takes me by surprise. Especially since the author who published this article clearly supports the list, which is evidenced in her opening paragraph. Perhaps you should run the word "complaint" through your favorite search engine a few times? Sure, men do have flaws in their mindsets. I have no qualms admitting that, but the central idea here is that men and women are DIFFERENT (I support the article on those grounds alone). I suppose in your city, (clearly not Alabama) relationships flourish and the divorce rate is 0%?

I'm not sure what my site has to do with my commentary, but I suppose it's gratifiying to recieve random "blessings."

Thanks for the dating advice, but please...refer to the last line of my previous comment

Allow me to personally take a crack at explaining the problem with the list above.

The list rewards inaction and incompetence instead of action. It allows men to think forming barbershop like "pity parties" will solve the root problems in their relationships. And, many times, the root problem is a lack of true knowledge or understanding of who his wife really is and what she is actually going through.

Let's say a guy honestly has problems with "getting sex" from his wife, as in the above list and example. The list suggests that the female go through a laundry list of all the reasons why she isn't in the mood. (Communication, in itself, isn't the problem.) This, on the surface, SOUNDS like a good idea to the average reader because they don't specialize in taking women. But here is the flaw in this line of reasoning. It allows the man to think that he doesn't have to take the time to truly discover his wife on his own, without the "cheat-sheet" of her having to tell him everything. It would be like asking a woman to always "tell you" how to please her sexually. At some point you have to learn how to become in tune with her body and discover other, new and interesting ways to please her, without having to have an "Idiot's guide to pleasing your wife" conversation with her.

Simply put, if you have to be "told" that there are exterior things going on in your wife's life that has her stressed out and is dwindling her sexual appetite, then that merely reveals that you are not paying enough attention to her needs, what's going on in her world, and who she is as a woman and how she responds to stress. (Maybe she missed out on a promotion at work and is feeling a little depressed or even temporarily undeserving of intimacy. It could be a host of things, but asking for a cheat-sheet instead of digging for the root problems yourself is a mistake.)

This list encourages men to "blame women" for the man's lack of understanding and lack of actions when it comes to dealing with root issues. So what happens when she has other problems unrelated to sex? He's used to "cheat sheets" so if she doesn't "tell" him, he doesn't take the time to find out.

We argue that, as a man, your job is to know your woman. If she is going through something that affects her sexual performance, don't whine about it, don't complain, don't make silly lists of all the things she should do to make it "easy" for you. Instead, dig deep and find out the reasons for this. Then, once you know the root causes, take the time to actually seduce her. We don't agree with the current tendency of men to stop seducing their wife once the ring hops on her finger. From our experience, this tendency makes our job much easier. It may sound harsh or even brutal, but if you don't take the time to treasure and appreciate and dedicate time to seducing and romantically engage your loved one, there are several guys out here who will, and they are very gifted at providing temporary pleasure--or temporary "escapes."

The reason why we checked out your site was because we like to give people the benefit of the doubt. We don't rush to conclusions, we like to look at things from all angles before commenting--as a result, most of the things we say can withstand the test of time--ten years from now, what we write today will still be based on truth, and we won't be embarrassed by our post or comment. We checked to see if you had other post on relationships, as it would give us a better idea of how you viewed them, the perspective you come from, before posting. It had nothing to do with you personally. We research everyone before we post a response or comment. Just like relationships or marriages, we take the time to "see" what we are getting into ahead of time.

The argument that women are "different" has no bearing whatsoever on flaws in the list. Just because women are different, are you suggesting that means men should complain about not "getting sex" instead of being proactive in learning whats going on in his relationship and then, once that's resolved, learning how to truly seduce his wife? It doesn't matter how "different" women are--our job as men is to learn "different" ways to seduce them. Begging for a cheat sheet is laziness and arrogance and impotence masquerading as desire.

The city or place you are from has a lot to do with the mindset of the women and men there--and since you are a veteran, we assume you already know this. The way you approach a female in Washington, D.C. is utterly different than the way you should approach someone in Las Vegas, or Tampa, Florida, or Memphis, Tn. Environment actually plays a role in the mindset of the people you deal with--so knowing that helps you dig to the root problems quicker. But being that we had never been to your city, we can't speak with any authority on the mindset of women there. So, in our mind, there was always a fair chance that the women there tolerate men who spend time complaining about problems instead of fixing them. We don't know.

All we know is that it is a mistake to keep ignoring the root problems in relationships--for both men and women. It may not make folks "feel" good to admit that they are slipping in their relationships and taking their partners for granted. But, as we will readily admit, we are not here to make folks "feel" good. We give everyone the truth--from our experience--raw and uncut. What they choose to do with it afterward is up to them.

P.S. We actually thought your site was interesting, with a novel idea--the term "swagger" has become so mainstream and diluted, it seems only fair that someone take up the responsibility of giving a definitive definition.

But the idea that the list helps men in any real way to secure their relationship is false information. There is some guy reading that list now and thinking all he has to do is get his wife to give him a "cheat sheet" every time she isn't in the mood. Then, when someone comes along and invest time in finding out what is really going on in his wife's world, he's going to be heartbroken and bent out of shape, thinking he had done everything "right." No. He just got bad advice.

Stop complaining. Learn your woman. Invest time to figure out what's really going on in her life and world, both externally and internally. Deal with the root issues. Then, once you have found the source of the problems, please, please, please start back seducing her. Expecting her to just "roll over" every time you get a "hard on" is so barbaric that it makes us not feel guilty for over half the things we do.

Peace,
TBC

dear TBC,

excellent post. mr. alladat and the others are simply lazy individuals who are not even remotely interested in doing a modicum of the work their fathers and grandfathers had to do to keep a woman in their lives. 2009 is a sorry statre of affairs with men. its unfortunate but this is precisely why so many women seek older men -- they are more likely to realise that women are to be adored into happiness, not scorned into submission.

While your view point is refreshing and holds water, I can't help but detect a slight bias in it's undertones. It leads me to believe that you think women aren't ignorant to men.

Personally, I think that women out there would interpret a list similar to this in much the same way as you believe I/men in general have. However, I make no assertion that the list is comprehensive by any means. Furthermore, I fully endorse the concept of men (especially black men) learning their woman. Especially since I have grown tired of being the guy who provides the "temporary escape/pleasure" you describe in paragraph six.

Surely the commentator can acknowledge that the average male reader is just that... an AVERAGE male. Yes, I find you're expose (imagine a comma over the "e") very convincing. It is raw, un-cut, and extremely relevant (which I appreciate). I long for the day that blackmen begin to take their commitments seriously, in much the same way that you do. That kind of thing takes time and commitment to personal growth, and understaning of one's inner being first. Even barbarians evolve.

I suppose my comment at the outset of this exchange was misleading. I made a comment based on my days of "youthful indiscretion." However, at the end of the day, I am "pro-choice." Either you play the field, or you fully commit. There should be no combination of the two, and preference should be a personal one. That is the premise that permeates throughout my site.

The most important aspect of swagger, in my opinion, is how you handle yourself in situations. There is a way to handle yourself as a "player," if you so choose, and there is way to handle yourself if you're commited.

Thanks for the feedback though. I would love to hear your thoughts on why black men who are "smooth" are intimidating to some black women. Maybe then I can stop being "The Other Man" and start learning my OWN woman.

Hit me up: S4Dummies@gmail.com or feel free to comment here.

I agree. Sometimes we want a commitment, just not with you. Hard to tell a chick that without being insensitive.

Nice article. It would definitely be nice if more women would read it. There are plenty of guys out there who are ready for committment. Sometimes it seems like women make things a hell of a lot more difficult than they need to be.

A realization I stumbled on by accident recently . . . Even the men who seem to be afraid of commitment can be won over with a reasonable dose of tolerance. It's definitely not that men want a woman who will put up with anything. It's more that if she puts up with some minor things without making a really nasty argument out of it, they are more likely motivated to do what it takes to hold on. If he says he's coming home at midnight, and he doesn't get home til 3am, there are 2 reactions: 1) this @!%^!$%@%^ ain't no good and his stuff will be on the curb when he gets home; or 2) Hi baby, hope you had fun, Imma let you slide on this one but next time don't keep your boo waitin'. Plan B just might make him second guess disappointing her again.