Are You In A Rush To Get Married?

By CocoaDiva on Jan 08, 2009 with Comments

How Anxious Are You?

According to a recently released study conducted at Rutgers University in Piscataway, NJ, the average male is delaying his first marriage until he reaches 27, the oldest recorded age in the nation’s history. The average woman on the other hand tends to marry when she is 25 years old.

Why are women in such a rush to get married?

I recently stumbled across this website 52 weeks to find him.

I know as we get up in age, we women are constantly pressed by friends and family to anwer the “when are you going to get married” question.

Many women set very specific, age-based timetables to achieve certain goals as to how they think their lives should run. Research conducted by Dr. James Houran, chief psychologist for the online relationship service True.com, shows that overall, women are as fearful of commitment as men, but that “life scripts,” subconscious or not, apply a different kind of pressure.

However, why are we so pressed?

One reason may be fertility. Fertility researcher Richard Paulson of the University of Southern California says that, as a general rule, women should start having children no later than age 30 and be done by 35, when statistics show fertility declines.

What is wrong with waiting it out until the person destined to be your spouse arrives. If you want to just get married you can just pick anyone really. However, finding that right one takes waiting and possibly trying on some matches that don’t fit just right.

So why are men waiting longer to get married?

Researchers of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers conducted focus group discussions with 60 single, heterosexual men of different backgrounds, ranging in age from 25 to 33.

The study reveals that the top 10 reasons why men won’t commit are:

1. They can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past.

2. They can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabitating rather than marrying.

3. They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

4. They want to wait until they are older to have children.

5. They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.

6. They are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn’t appeared yet.

7. They face few social pressures to marry.

8. They are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children.

9. They want to own a house before they get a wife.

10. They want to enjoy single life for as long as possible.

“Men feel high pressure to focus on careers and financial stability,” “That’s directly tied to the belief that men fill the role of provider and protector. Therefore, his number-one mission is often career-based and he builds the rest of his life around it.

“If a man hasn’t taken off in his career, or at least feels that he’s moving along the path, his self-esteem could be hampered. As a result, he may not feel he is living up to the role of provider/protector and therefore doesn’t want to be married.”

I really don’t think the issue is finding a man. It is finding a man who is ready to settle down. You can’t make a man do what he is not ready to do.

Ladies – What are your thoughts about why women are pressed to get married

Men – Are the above reasons true? Also, do men feel pressure to get married?

Take our Poll

Women – http://snappoll.com/poll/308253.php

Men http://snappoll.com/poll/308254.php

Popularity: 30% [?]

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Filed Under: Dating • Relationships

Tags: Issues • Marriage

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Online Fellowship

Its really frightening how far away from Gods purpose and design we have strayed. Or has He played out like our parents and grandparents logic?

RoseM_Young

I think women are more pressed into marriage than men because women are constantly bombarded with the "you gotta get a man" message. It has been that way for eons! Also, women see that their cousins, sisters, friends have a man, so the figure they must get a man too otherwise they start feeling left out or start feeling she's unworthy.
Well ladies, if you don't have a man, always remember that there is nothing wrong with you. Something is wrong with people who are always throwing it up in your face!

markgc

@Sunfresh - I think you need to start paying attention to men as human beings, rather than 2D cutouts that fit or don't fit into your rigid requirements.

I'm not going to challenge your generalisation about men under 30, despite agressively disagreeing with it, because although you have clearly made this generalisation based on your own limited experience, my heavy disagreement is also only based on my own limited experience.

Secondly, you are already applying financial "tick-boxes" to a relationship which is supposed to be based on interaction, trust, respect and companionship. Although as creatures we may not always have the emotional articulation to show it, most of us men DO want a fulfilling, long-term relationship based on each person loving the other because of their merits. Most men, if they got an inkling that their potential life partner required them to have a "comfortable income" (as you put it) as part of "matching up", would not feel that this person was genuinely interested in them as someone to spend the years side-by-side with. Personally I don't care if my partner has two pennies to rub together - I love her because of her unique personality, our deep connection, and the fact that she is my absolute best friend on the world.

In response to your point about holding sex over relationship depth - here you are writing off men again as a statistic. Maybe you need to try and understand us a little better - we are emotional creatures, we just articulate ourselves differently and expect to be understood and respected by our partners, just as you do. Would you be happy for a man to make a careless generalisation such as, "Why do women always get fat after they get married? Don't they realise they need to stay good looking to keep their man?" ? No, I am sure you would not. Therefore taking such a patronising stance against men is not likely to endear you to a potential long-term partner.

Sadly I think that your post is consistent with modern ideas on relationships, where more and more people work out "what they want" and then set about stamping that onto other people. In the process they fail to see that point of spending your life and your experiences with another human being is simply that - spending your life and your experiences with another human being. Not finding an accessory that "completes you", meets your requirements or patches up your insecurities.

That's a sports car.

pamputae

settling down is hard as hell. i honestly plan on moving back or close to the caribbean/latin america to find someone. ive found that american men are less inclined to want to marry. also the post about younger men is correct.

my closest friends always say "if you want to get married find an older man" as though it sort of goes without saying that men under 30 are completely useless and men over 30 are only slightly less useless.

Online Dating

These are so true. No wonder men are afraid of committing themselves to a woman. Maybe in time they will.

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Maninthesouth

I like the post. I think that a lot fof men agree with me that women tend to pressure us into considering marriage. That seems to be missing from the discussion.

CocoaDiva

I know women want stability both emotional and financially for themselves and their families. I can understand a man's need to provide for his family financially as well.

However, I can't understand the slower rate of marriage in the black community. I think that in other ethnicities, children are raised to understand the joys of marriage and that running the streets outside of your 20's is not a good look.

I think that black children are raised with a "get your money right and do you" attitude that prevents us from settling down until we feel we have achieved both personal and financial goals. The question I have is this....what is wrong with building an empire together. Sometimes I wonder if black women are disadvantaged to this regard. We wait for our men to be ready at the sake of fertitlity....which also slows down the birth rate in our communities. How much money is enough money to be prepared to have a family?

Also, we are in the internet age. Is the website of a woman running a reality type show evidence of the desparation on the part of black women to find a mate to settle down with.....I hope not.

Aisha

I think that the delay of marriage might be because people are are afraid of divorce. Or maybe not out of total fear, but increased responsibility and less impulsivity. They might want to make sure that the one that they are considering sharing the rest of their lives with is really the one not just for the next five years, but really a lifetime. My parents are divorced and I am in no rush to get married. I am in a stable relationship with a man that I do want to marry, but I will be 100% sure that before I walk down the aisle that I have no doubts.

swiv

i don't feel pressure. some of those reasons are pretty accurate.

Sunfresh

First - I date older men. There are rarely men under 30 that are concerned with developing a relationship based on depth, so I don't even waste my time with that demographic.

Second - the concept of financial stability is a double edge sword. I don't expect a dude to be a gazillionaire; however, I want him to be comfortable. I am comfortable - so I don't understand why this is so difficult for me. A double income never hurt anybody.

Third - I TRULY don't understand why men hold sex paramount to relationship depth. Today I saw two kids run to their father in complete utter joy. “DADDY, DADDY!!!!” I can’t even begin to imagine the fulfilment that he felt when two little people that he helped create ran to him in complete adoration and joy.

Momentarily I thought - how many of these rag-a-muffins are out there sexing a random chick that they don’t care about precisely at the same time when this man is greeted by two little people that think he is the BEST person in the world? I don’t understand why people would delay this type of joy for random pointless sexual encounters.

Shawn Hodges

I have to co-sign with JamaiQan, the lifestyle has definitely change. Nowadays we all wait til we are close to 40 for us to even think about marriage(in which I hope I dont wait that long at all and I dont want to). I have been single for 5 years (by choice and reasons for that) and I have spent time with women that just want a friends with benefits; but as a person who is approaching 30, I would like to be married and have kids in the future than just be a friend with benefits to a female. I will admit I like to have fun and I do enjoy being single but not because of the reasons that Ivie pointed out; Clearly, we going to say to ourselves I am tired of being single, at the point of our lives. I can only go by experience.

JamaiQan Q

The lifestyle of how we live has changed....it's not like what it was for our parents, so now adays, people are more relaxed with whom they choose to be with, as soon as they are not satisfied they move elsewhere....by time a person gets all there playing and wildness out they are ready to settle down.....and that group is a small percentage....

Livie

I dont know why people are in a rush! I enjoy being single. I am not accountable to anyone, i can go and leave as i please, party at all hours of the night, date a different man every month if I so choose.... whats not to enjoy? Men are waiting because they've realized this and are taking full advantage!

Ed The Sports Fan

I will say this, I think that the surveys done on this subject is skewed by diversity . REALLY, all the black folks I know get married even later than that. I would think for a black man, the average would be closer to the 29-31 range. just from what i've observed. Nice post!