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The Plight of the Good Woman

By CocoaDiva on Dec 15, 2008 with Comments

I was sitting around talking to my girls and we started talking about the problem with being a good woman or a “good candidate”  when dealing with men.  Men always talk about how they want a good woman.  However,  when a good woman is staring a man in the face, making him breakfast, with her ride or die bags packed,  the man goes straight into avoidance and ends up losing that good woman. 

The Realities

1.  Most Men Aren’t Ready For a Good Woman.

2.  Women are a dime a dozen, but a good women is hard to find.

3. Men are not ready to accept a good woman until they are ready to settle down.

Plain and Simple – A man doesn’t know a good woman from random hoes and buttcheeks and is sooo worried about getting trapped and making his money that he loses out on great candidates.    Guess what men…we are getting tired of trying to show you our worth and then getting played to the left.  You wonder why dating is dead?  Go look at the string of sisters you left in your wake while you strapped on your pony blinders screaming “But, I have to get my career right, I have to make my money.”   Stop giving excuses and see what’s in front of you.

Wake up and smell that good recession air.  Everyone has to get their money right boo.  Money making opportunites are like trains that come and go in Union Station.  A good woman is like that sweet deal on a vintage Aston Martin.  If you snooze some other collector will swoop in at that Sotheby’s auction and you bid is no longer any good.  Then you are left to go stroke your bruised ego and go home empty handed.

The Qualities

I will put myself on the chopping block for example’s sake (since I don’t want to throw my girls under the bus).  I KNOW I am a good woman and a great catch, if I do say so myself.  No, I don’t go around qoting my stats or throwing my good woman weight around, but I know my parents raised me right and I am an asset.  Most of my friends share my qualities because you surround yourself with people you aspire to be like or who have like goals and ambitions.

I am a Christian woman, a well educated attorney, and I am  on my ish daily handling my business.  I can throw down in the kitchen, organize a dinner party in minutes, attend a Sorority or Links function, and swing a mean hammer around the house.  I listen well, communicate my issues, and try to not let my take charge personality strip a man of his hunt and gather mentality.  I understand the principle of a man running a household, which makes me a little old fashioned in my beliefs.   Which is why I said asset ladies.  ( I know I will get a few hate comments off that one).  So why are so many good women like myself single?  Because men are too caught up in their own issues and miss out.

Men Don’t Want A Good Woman Until They Are Ready To Settle Down

I have decided men don’t want a good woman until they have decided they are ready to settle down. Until this has been decided, a man wants random buttcheeks, and random good times with random women.  As I told my girls this weekend…Yes it sucks big time …just becasue he didn’t make moves with you….doesn’t mean you aren’t good, it means he wasnt ready.  Wait until he is ready and he remembers how good you were….trust and believe you are a rare commodity and hard to find.  His loss not yours. 

My Thoughts On Man’s Issue With A Good Woman

Men are worse than women sometimes at making decisions.  There, I said it.  You all can be the most indecisive lot around.   You say you want one thing and then run from it when it is presented to you.  Let me clue you in to the following facts about the good girl you may not be aware of. 

1. We are looking at marriage potential, however…..it doesn’t mean we are marrying YOU specifically.  Men there is nothing wrong with us learning about you and determining if you are a wise choice.  To learn about you we have to ask questions and get into your personal business.   If we don’t ask questions how will we ever find out anything?
 Men talk all day about a woman choses a mate right.  So when we choose you why do you suddenly have a problem with the choice?  A good woman looks at dating like scoping out a good solid piece of furniture for our house.  We need to see if the piece is sturdy, withstanding of constant use and pressure, well made, adaptable to change, and timeless. 

The same qualifications can be said for our hunt for a man.  We are not trying to cling to you, clap on the cuffs or turn on the interrogation white light.  We are trying to learn more about you to determine if you make an appropriate mate  and to evaluate you we need to learn about you.  Simple as that.   The problem is men think the complete opposite and turn into evasive, Smegol like characters who act as if you are being cornered into a trap. 

 Guess what….you may be a fcuk boi and we need to figure that out for ourselves.

As I learned in law school, the only stupid question is a question that was never asked.  When we find out enough information guess what you may lose out kid….here is your consolation prize.  We don’t know within the first 10 minutes that you won the game.  Quit squirming and be open for communication. 

Let me hit you in your wallet men.  If you are scoping out a business venture you do your homework right?  You weigh the pros and cons, determine longevity potential, the business model, relationships formed, and any possible ventures on the horizon.  This is the same thing women do when determining if you are the right candidate.  Quit fooling yourself, its not all about you….we are simply learning and weighing our options.

2. Random Buttcheekery Is Not The Business- I won’t lie and say a good woman dislikes sex or a random romp in the sack.  I am saying she is not out there putting her goods on the market for random ne’er do wells.   We are discerning in our candidates and we keep our numbers low on purpose.  If you are looking for random cheeks, maybe you should go holla at Ms. Loose Booty who will dish it up on a platter whenever you want it. 

A good woman views sexual interaction as something shared with someone special, not as a  random rendezvouz.   So men if you wonder about why she turned all mushy on you or extra in your face, its because she decided to share something personal with you.  Ms. Loose Booty may not feel that way.  If you can’t deal with the mush and all you want is random cheeks, be upfront.  Then Ms. Good Woman can steer clear of your wangage and save her goodies for the next contestant. 

3. Men Run and Choose Lesser Candidates Because Its Easy - no matter how you swing it, only strong men are not intimindated by a good woman who has her shit together.  If I had a dollar for everytime some man told me he felt like he couldn’t match my hustle, I could help with the bailout myself.  Men say they want a woman who cooks, is a mini mogul herself blah blah blah…but when it comes down to it, the Girl at the Gap and the one who can’t cook are easily disposed of.  Its so much harder to throw away a quality candidate…so instead men run from the qualified and languish in the land of easy and free cheeks. 

To all my Good Women

Yes its difficult and sometimes it feels like you are casting your pearls before swine.  Hold on, Prince Charming is coming….he is just wrapped up in random cheeks and money making right now.  But he is on his way.  Keep Hope Alive.

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Filed Under: Dating • Dating Tips • Relationships

About the Author:

  • I have heard this argument once too many times. Whether it was from my friends in college, my female friends now, their single and bitter buddies, or on various blogs across the internet ... the "There are no good men" or the buddy argument "Good men don't know a good thing" argument are just played out and ... well ... tired.

    I don't mean to come here and speak badly or anything, but I'm just tired of getting it from all angles.

    Ralph said it best ... these 3 premises are false and they act as a comfort for the single. I used to say the reverse when I was single and unhappy ... "Good women don't know a good man" or "There are no good women" ... but after a little introspection and being real with myself ... I was the common denominator.

    If real mean didn't know how to commit to and get good women ... everyone everywhere would be single ... end of story.
  • Oh so true! Great post!

    ~Holding onto that little shred of hope,
    Miss Journey
  • GSW
    The problem is most women pick the wrong man in the first place!

    And I used the word "man" loosely!!
  • Robert
    I don't know. I'm having a hard time buying this discussion. We always have these generalized discussions and everybody who partcipates is an "exception" to the problem. Women say good men are hard to find and don't want good women. Men say we're good men and good women are hard to find or are captivated by the thugs. It's always somebody else who is at fault.

    I believe there are enough good men that the women who are serious don't have to be alone. Those who live to complain will be complaining regardless.

    But let's put it to the test.

    Good man in Houston right here. Not perfect by any stretch, but good by any objective definition. I challenge all three of your "realities" as false. They are emotionally soothing statements that make women feel better being alone, but they are bogus.

    It is pointless to go into a detailed discussion in a random national forum like this, but if any women in Houston read this article, we should follow this up in a local setting that can actually result in positive change. CocoaDiva, I wish you lived in Houston and could take this up personally. But I hope to find a setting with a woman as eloquent and accomplished as you described yourself in "The Qualities" section who will take up this challenge. I will put myself on trial in an objective setting.

    The end result will be either I learn things I need to work on about myself; or Houston women learn things they need to work on about themselves; or somebody's plight is about to be over.

    I belive that there are many more good Black men than Black women are conditioned to expect and that most of us go ignored on a daily basis. But it doesn't have to be that way.
  • Mellow
    I wonder what the author looks like.. maybe that's the problem.
  • swiv
    the author's pretty cute, IMO. this blog generalizes too much and is too one sided.
  • Thanks for the compliment :-) The blogs are up for discussion. I present my opinion and let the people express their views. However, it does seem like most of the women see that there is a problem with good women getting passed over.

    (I have another one about men, women, and money coming soon)
  • Denise
    My story. My man had a good job, and I was in a period of transition. I decided to start my own business, and money started rolling in. I'm thinking how great things are going to be for us. He felt threatened by what I started pulling down, and started talking to this random, plain faced chick. Yep, I'm a good woman. That crap pissed me off, of course. But I want to say this to frustrated GW out there. Know your value. If you know you're a GW, then do not settle for less than was you deserve. Don't try to make a relationship out of something that you KNOW is less than what you want. You should never be an afterthought. Relax, enjoy yourself and live your life. Mr. GM will present himself at the right time.
  • Men need to understand that it's effed up to not be honest, whether on purpose or by witholding information. Whether or not you know what you want, know what she wants, have your shit together, or whatever, you DO know that you're not ready for marriage and it's YOUR job to make that clear ASAP (that'd be as soon as you realize she's got serious relationship/marriage on the brain). That's not rocket science, that's common damn sense.

    Women, on the other hand, need to understand that if he ain't ready, he ain't ready. Yeah that sucks, but if you ARE ready then keep it pushin' till you find someone else who is, and like eXclusive said, we need to keep our options open. Love comes in all shades and colors. Somoene else mentioned that some of this "Good Woman" talk could be also said for "Good Men" and I agree. Plenty of good women are looking for commitment in all the wrong places when they have it staring them in the face -- he just isn't that tall... :) But in any case, no settling, no man-sharing and no playing dumb to catch the man. David Banner said it best: "If women would raise their standards, men would act better..."

    Overall, I think folks make too much out of the differences between men and women. There are some and they are important to note, BUT they aren't so that we need to have never-ending discussions on how to deal with each other. Use some common sense and take some pride in yourself is all I'm sayin...
  • Devil's advocate:

    If I claim my company makes a good car, but no one's buying my car, and people are clearly buying other cars, isn't it possible the car I make isn't as good as I'm screaming it is? After all, doesn't the market decide?


    *Runs and hides*
  • Gordon Gartrell
    This is true...the market decides on what is determined to be hot. The company should listen to consumers and give the people what they want. The customer is always right.
  • The problem is the consumers are looking for the wrong products for their own flashy demands. A Jag may be pretty but a good solid Volvo will keep you safe and is low maintenance.
  • Anita
    I always thought Volvos were overpriced...

    unfortunately finding a mate isn't nearly as logical as finding a car, you can't just pick a weekend when you feel like husband-shopping and pick a shiny new one off the showroom floor.

    You ask "So when we choose you why do you suddenly have a problem with the choice?" maybe because... that choice isn't the right one to begin with? Otherwise both parties actually would be okay with it.

    There is this stereotype that men never want to get married and women always want to get married and that this is perfectly normal. Actually men don't mind getting married if they find the right woman (and plenty of women never want to be married at all) So if the mere mention of the word causes him to accelerate to escape velocity in the opposite direction, it may not be just that he's afraid of commitment just like all other men. It could just be that he had a problem with the notion of being committed to you specifically

    Just because you are a "good woman" (or at least good to him) doesn't mean you are *right* for him. And if you aren't right for him that AUTOMATICALLY means he's not right for you either. So move on and don't take it personal.
  • swiv
    y'all kill me. we're all legends in our own minds. is that these men are threatened or insecure or do they just not like your ass? good grief.

    oh yea, if you're all as tight as y'all say you are, if i ever run across you, i won't pass you up. unless i'm not really feeling you.

    LOL.

    <== in no way threatened by an ambitious woman
  • eXclusive
    I've been saying for the longest, that Sisters wouldn't have this "problem" if they were more willing to date others. And by others I mean non-black men. We are the most loyal group of beings I know. Too bad there's not much reciprocity. You notice white folk don't seem to have this "issue" as much as we seem to. They seem to be willing to "get ___ right" TOGETHER, be it a career, their money, whatever have you. Brothers know they have the advantage and that's fine. But they only have this advantage as long as sisters are chasing after them. I say all this to say, expand your options sisters ;-) We outnumber black men 3-1 so there will never be one for all of us (don't get me started on man-sharing). If you love men then be willing to see past color.
  • WONDERFUL POST!!! I couldn't agree with you more. You said what a lot of us are thinking (or realizing finally), but don't say out loud.

    I hate to say it, but I've been downright offended when I see what I've been passed over for on occasion. Often it is soooooo blatant why - the woman is a fetish or the "right race" (i.e. Asian chick, white chick, etc), not anywhere near as intelligent or accomplished as I am, simple (in looks and attitude), etc. In other words, a woman that the man will not feel threatened by or insecure around. Sad, but true.
  • i concur with what swiv said, but there are caveat's to any situation...

    one thing i want to add is that sometimes women (men too sometimes) decide instantly that they really like someone, and then they've got a life decision to make, if they engage with the man there's gonna come a point of "will he be courting me" or "will we just see where this goes" and usually the women go down path #2...#2 leads to random buttcheeks as you eloquently stated earlier...

    Guess what….you may be a fcuk boi and we need to figure that out for ourselves.

    Classic....

    But lets not kid ourselves, a lot of times we miss out on people because again we make preconceived notions on initial looks or things we've heard. Keeping an open mind is essential, and I think that would bring everyone more success.

    Oh, and CocoaDiva, you lucky you are a couple of time zones away, since you are such an asset...oh boy.

    -Ed.
    www.edthesportsfan.com
  • MaskedDebater
    For I'm only a man, I don't see nor would I be able to comprehend all of the tribulations that a good woman must withstand. Please accept my condolences for the the Plight of a Good woman is one that many will try and only few will withstand. It is a thankless job that will require her to carry a burden that only other Good Women will understand. As a good woman you will be a target and will be bombarded with attacks from all sides, yet you must carry your head high. You must internalize all the pain and suffering that you receive and put on your “trooper” face. There will be catcalls and times men deem you no more than a piece of meat. Those are only a few of the challenges that you must face. For your ancestors proved that the Plight of Good Women can be overcame, thus the burden placed upon you was increased. While others are responsible for the mess, it is your job to clean it up. For your womb is that of a nation and you are its gatekeepers. Without you, there is no future. Take pride in your place, and garner your worth.

    That is only a sample of what is required; all interested ladies start by looking in the mirror.

    With that said, your realities slant towards the negative concerning men while they taking the responsible measure. If a man is not ready to get married or be in a relationship it would be foolish of a woman to try and force that issue. I like to use an analogy for this situation. It is like women are applying for positions (for significant other) when men are not hiring. To be an equal opportunity employer a man typically will accept the resume and application but the chances of hire is slim unless the applicant resonates. There are men who will change gears when they meet a woman with “It” factor but a majority of us will wait until there is a sign posted.

    There might be some merit to your statement a Good Woman is hard to find, but regardless of how you quantify the label of “good” there will be more women looking for men of that fit that caliber than vice versa. The nature of our society in traditional household has given men a lot more flexibility in deciding the scale of women that they would pursue both in social class and in values. It is greatly frown upon women marrying below class, while it is somewhat acceptable for men to go down that path.

    There is no debating that men can be indecisive at time. Sometimes we don't know how to prioritize what is important to us. I have a theory or two as to why that is, but nothing concrete worth sharing at this time nor is it anything I could debate.
  • It appears you didn't read a word of my blog......I never said a man should match my hustle....he should exceed it and that the woman is an asset.

    I feel like as much as I scream this men will never hear it. Its like you all have some weird shut off valve when it comes to the marriage issue.

    YES WE THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE BUT DAGGONIT WE HAVE NOT DECIDED TO MARRY YOU!!! BUT IF A GOOD WOMAN HAS CHOSEN YOU SHE PROBABLY IS THINKING RELATIONSHIP.....AND NOTHING MORE UNTIL YOU MEASURE UP!!

    Whew, think I hurt my throat. The problem with men is the pervasive need for sex or cuddle bunny bs outweighs their need to be honest. The problem is men lie or say what they think women want to hear. All we want to hear is the TRUTH. If you don't want marriage or a relationship say Dear Good Woman...I just want your buttcheeks if you can't provide that no strings attached, I'll holla.

    The reason why you get good women wondering about thier status with a man....is because the man gave her that warm and fuzzy feeling that it was possible. She didn't pull it out of thin air. To liken it to your business position analogy. Your job does not court unworthy candidates right? If the firm of XYZ is not interested in candidates there are no firm dinners there is no meet the rest of the office, and there are no lovely parting gifts. If the candidate is unworthy their resume goes in the trash or makes nice recyclable paper.

    The problem with men is they don't know how to throw a resume away. If uninterested don't wine and dine. Send out your "thanks but being so qualfied but we are unable to accept your application at this time" letter. You wined and dined her.....and gave her the feeling she had a job. So she keeps sending thank you letters and following up until you let her know the job is filled, like any good job hunter would do right?
  • MaskedDebater
    “YES WE THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE BUT DAGGONIT WE HAVE NOT DECIDED T MARRY YOU!!! BUT IF A GOOD WOMAN HAS CHOSEN YOU SHE PROBABLY IS THINKING RELATIONSHIP.....AND NOTHING MORE UNTIL YOU MEASURE UP!”
    You can scream until your voice is gone, it will not change the fact that while Good Women might think discussing Marriage is blissful the concept is foreign to men in general. Men typically don't put much thought into what they want in a wife, until they start searching for one. Then they look in their past and say I want a woman who can cook like XYZ, clean like ABC, bedroom like QRS. That equals the prototype.
    Women tend to think about marriage in some shape or form as early as childhood, while with men there is a tendency to push the Marriage topic to a back burner until needed. To prove my point all you need to do is simply ask men to discuss what that want in a wife, if the guy puts together sentences and can talk without going into circles for 2 or 3 minutes you know he has put some serious thought into it and chances are he is looking for a wife.
    A woman talking about marriage is added pressure on a man, although you might be talking in general terms to us that brings with a level of expectations that you have from us, that we have not even began to process yet.

    Back to the Job Analogy.
    Good Women are putting in the applications (along with others), and men are accepting applications and decide instead of rejecting outright, they would go through the interview process just in case a special one is in the pool of applicants. While they are not actively looking to hire anyone and for the most part it is a charade, the men continue entertain applicants dragging the process along until they make a decision whether to offer her a position. Typically there is no time line for making decisions as the employer is receiving benefits without hiring.

    No keeping the head down and writing Thank you letters is not what a GOOD Job hunter does?
    A good job hunter will research the position that she is applying for. She will do background on the organization and determine if she feel that it is a fit. Before applying she would scope out the marketplace trying to figure out who she is competing against for the same position. She would make reasonable salary demands (benefits she receive in relationship) and BEFORE THE INTERVIEW SHE MUST BE ABLE TO ILLUSTRATE THE BENEFITS THE COMPANY RECEIVE BY EMPLOYING HER,
  • ArtGotti
    Great topic here, so I guess I’ll be the 1st to keep the party going by commenting on some of your statements…

    There are sooo many good black women out here that brothas can choose from, the mentality is why fall back on all our options at a young age? It’s not that black men aren’t ready for a good woman; it’s just that black men will be ready when they want to be ready. If that woman is no longer there when he’s ready, he comes up short. It’s clearly a risk that a man will take. I can co-sign that men aren’t ready to accept a good woman until he wants to settle down. This pisses women off because this situation can stall you out of your prime 20’s…because once you reach those middle 30’s; it’s rough for our women. I sympathize with them because you do have a small window of time to find the right one. Please remember though that it’s a numbers game and what entices him are all the options. He will prolong the commitment until he seeks fit. What has been surprising to me is the increase of the old heads in the club (you know the dude with the nugget rings on each finger?!) They in there living it up and sometimes I look at ‘em doing that two-step and be like…Really? Even at that age though, there will still be single women in his age bracket that are interested OR he will spend his money on a younger women for status & trophy stature. I say all this to mean that men have the advantage in the relationship game and they will ride it till the wheels fall off.

    I would have to disagree that a good woman is hard to find. If that were true, the men would settle down with a good woman ASAP because there are too many bad ones! For example, as soon as a woman finds a good black man, she damn near think she won the Powerball! You would be very surprised; I encounter good women all the time. You said it yourself; you’re a good woman and associate yourself with females that have the same ambitions and goals in life. Therefore, I’m guessing you have at least 3-4 girlfriends that are on there shit too. All you really have to do is find one! 9 times out of 10, the crew is tight too. I know plenty of examples like that of women I went to school with. It just depends on your social circle and who you associate with.
  • Gordon Gartrell
    Men Don’t Want A Good Woman Until They Are Ready To Settle Down? Exactly, wouldn't you? Play responsibly when your in 2.0 mode, boo up seriously while in 3.0.
  • swiv
    all of those same complaints about how men are doing x are the same EXACT complaints men have about women. and plenty of "good" men would be staring at you right in the face and you'd pass them up as well. two good people aren't always good for each other. it happens. oh well. i sure hope that little nugget isn't exactly rocket science, either.
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