Interracial Dating, What Gives

By CocoaDiva on Dec 23, 2008 with Comments

I really have concerns or questions with interracial dating. As we grow older we try and settle down and find that one person to love us unconditionally. When it comes to interracial dating I am caught between a rock and a hard place. While, I am a sucker for love and finding that perfect someone, I admit I have a preference for Black love. I know this is a sticky subject but it is one I feel should be addressed.

My friends and I sit around and discuss black love and the things we can all do to have better relationships. My male counterparts continually yell that there is a good Black man out there and try to give us all advice about understanding and dating the Black man. I admit, most of it is great stuff about understanding the opposite sex. I am learning quite a bit that I never knew before. So just when I am about to go holler at Enrique and throw in the towel, I am inspired like Jesse Jackson said, to keep hope alive.

However, my people and I were talking the other day. It appears as if Black men are selling us pipe dreams and talking out the side of their necks. While we sit around and try better ourselves for our Shaka Zulu in a suit, Black Men are out booing up interracially and leaving Black women in the cold. Its pretty damn hypocritical if you ask me.

Additionally Black men keep telling Black women to get like Clair Huxtable to satisfy their Huxtablean dreams about the perfect black relationship. However, you can’t be the Huxtables with Soon Yi or Mississippi Marsala (c) Bari. You are clearly missing that Claire element, b.c. she was BLACK.

So in short, what gives Black America?

As a Black woman, trying to find a Black man to date seems like an eternal search for the Holy Grail. People keep giving us the wrong coordinates and then get mad when we complain about the ”shortage” of Black men. I mean hey, I live on the West coast and in order for Black man to date a Black woman it seems like Jesus would have to send out personal text messages or send an email mandating such an occurrence.

It seems like getting rich, hitting MegaBucks, and finding an eligible black man that wants to date an eligible black women are of the same level of impossibility or difficulty. The way things are going Black women have a better chance of hitting MegaBucks…so it seems.

The thing I don’t understand is there are so many eligible women in the Black community. If Black men are outnumbered by us and have the selection power, numbers would indicate choosing the best Black female candidate around….not dating Rosalita, Szu Yu or Becky.

Something in the air tells me Black women are about to give up on Black men and start dating Pablo and them…..because it appears that Black love is dead. I just want to keep hope alive.

Please help me understand what gives……

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Filed Under: Dating • Relationships • Uncategorized

Tags: Black Love • Black Men • Black Women • Interracial Dating

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John Williams

Wow....I will try to be brief...

When you are looking at pure numbers, you may see Black men dating outside of their race. But that is because it is so egregious when you see an interracial couple, but standing next to them will be 5-6 Black couples that no one notices because they focus on the interracial ones. I think it is moreso what catches your attention rather than a huge number of Black men dating outside the race (compared to the whole of the Black male population.)

Secondly, I think if you find someone attractive and caring from another race, then go for it. My problem is when Black women say they want to date other races as if other races are essentially BETTER at being boyfriends/husbands/etc. I have a friend who said that she dated 20 Black men and all of them did her wrong, but she sees White men all the time and they have their shyt together. My question was: how do you know? She had no answer other than an outsiders perspective. If you date outside of the race because you are finding love there, more power to you. If you date outside of the race because you think that there is something inherently wrong or bad about Black men or women, then you are in for a rude awakening when you get to the other races and find the same problems.

Lastly, my homeboy dated White women when he was in undergrad, and here is his reason why...
When he was in undergrad, he was overweight, medium height, but a good person. No Black woman paid him attention. When he finished law school, he was still overweight, medium height, a good person, but now Black women (some of the same ones in fact that turned him down in undergrad) wanted him. In the mean time, the White women and Latina women liked him when he had nothing but his personality. In his words..."You can't wait on Black women to recognize goodness if they don't want to see it for themselves." And he makes a decent point. Think about the athletes that are known to marry White women (Patrick Ewing, Michael Strahan, Dennis Rodman, Charles Barkley...). Most of them couldn't get the time of day from Black women when they were just undergrads. So the trend in Black men moving on COULD be due in part to Black women's superficiality in earlier ages and reality setting in during later, more mature ages. (And I am sure some of that could be applied to Black men as well.)

Just my opinion.

Allison

I agree with Some Guy's entire comment at 1:54 AM. I have family members that have settled on not just a mediocre life, but life at, really below, the poverty line. And ALL of them had/still have the potential to do good, do great things, or at least be able to not depend on the system for the majority and rest of their lives.

I shake my head when I see/hear about some of the "men" some BW have settled for. Yes, SETTLED. Just to say they have a man, and criticize and question why I don't have one. I used to be against IR dating, but as I've gotten older (I'm now 28), I've learned that love, committment, and loyalty really has no race attached. My cousin has been with and married to a WW for about 8 years now, and they're doing just fine. We all like her, and she's a teacher with a good, genuine heart.

Shoot, I had an Iranian guy approach me and take my number and never call. It's not the race, it's the PERSON. So I feel like everyone should be given some short of a fair shot. Better odds than waiting on BM to shape up, esp. if they can get a good BW (or WW, or AW) without shaping up.

Some Guy

Well, I'm going to throw out a few thoughts here that may get some people upset, but here goes...

First of all, you don't date groups. You date individuals. If you confine yourself to a group, you're cheating yourself out of many potential choices. Let me put it this way: if the man of your dreams is one in a million, then there's about three thousand of him in China alone, and 6.7 thousand of him worldwide.

Secondly, when it comes to black American men in particular, there's an insidious factor at work against them, which is mostly governmental but partially self-inflicted. The governmental part is the War on Drugs, which is a devious way of implementing a massive social control program. Any cop who doesn't like someone can drop a baggie in their pocket and send them away for a couple of years. This occasionally happens to white kids, but it's far more likely to happen to a black kid.

The self-inflicted part is the unfortunate tendency of far too many black kids to identify with the "gangsta" culture, rejecting study, honest work, and responsibility. White kids can be stupid that way too, but the sad fact is that white kids can generally get away with it if they get their act together later in life.

It didn't used to be this way. Before LBJ's program to make poor people utterly dependent on the government (the so-called "war on poverty"), black people in America were rapidly progressing through education, strong family bonds, hard work, and ambition. In the 1960s, black men and women took the chance of getting beaten to death by mobs to go to school. In the 1860s, black men and women risked being murdered by their owners for teaching each other to read.

Today though, we TOLERATE a culture of glorified failure. People actually settle for living on welfare. There's a word for someone who's life is completely dependent on someone else, and that word is "slave". We don't have slaves owned by individuals anymore, but in the USA, there are millions of slaves in prison or on welfare.

The worst thing about slavery isn't the loss of your freedom. The worst thing is the way that dependency infantilizes the people who are subjected to it. Slavery can be imposed by grabbing someone and throwing them in a prison, or it can be taken on voluntarily, like an addiction.

Now, even with the deck stacked against them like this, there are always individuals who rise above their circumstances, who do the right things, and take care of the people they love. If you've dated three "playas" in a row, it's not their fault, it's yours. You're responding to their bad behavior and letting them play YOU. If you get back with someone after they cheat on you, it's YOUR fault. It's supply and demand. If women quit sleeping with assholes, the supply of assholes will dry up overnight.

TheAnalyticalDiva

As a proud woman, and specifically proud Black woman, it's hard to find a mate, period. Too hard, in fact, to not allow yourself to open up to all options, which I've done in the last few years.

However, in my humble opinion, I have not given up on the Black male counterpart for me. :-) In the meantime, keeping my eyes peeled and not ruling anything out!

Esquire

I am ALL for Black women finding whomever makes them happy despite racial borders. Hell dating, as my brother always tells me, is an inefficient market with inexperienced and inefficient players. Limiting your dating pool based on superficial characteristics only makes being successful more difficult. Its a numbers game....and I'm all about being an EEO compliant dater. =)

swiv

i'm all for it.

<=== dates who the hell he wants

Georgia

I don't mind IR relationships thus, giving black love a chance first. If it don't work out with one person, then we have the right to choose to date or love who we want to whether a different color or race. I've seen BM and asian females as well as latinos. There's not a problem with that because just like us, they need love too. It just seems like the male species is near to extinct sometimes. My only peeve is just seeing that black man with a white woman....she can be real big and ugly for all that matter, and he show her off like she a victoria secret model.
________________________________________________________________-

See that's the problem. Who the heck cares who bm are seen with? Bm don't belong to bw and vice-versa. Stop wasting your time with who bm are with and focus on your own damn happiness.

Keeping the race of bp alive is NOT a black woman's responsibility. I don't know who came up with that crap.

The only responibility a bw has is the responsibility of HERSELF and her CHILDREN. Each and every person on this planet is responsible for his/her own actions.

Stop placing the burdon of the bc on bw and start placeing it on the shoulders of each individual person.

BW are not the mules of society and I hope bw as a whole really get this!

Eathan

If you find yourself attracted and in love with someone of another race... I wouldn't worry about what anyone says or thinks. You should feel lucky that you're in love. I'm all for looking outside the box and expanding your horizons. There's too many women on the face of the earth to focus on just one group. Look beyond the horizon.

Rich

To make it short (since i have a tendency to get long winded)

I think, in the long run, it's about who is ultimately compatible for you and who you see yourself with long term, regardless of race. I have no doubt that ONLY a black woman can understand where it is that I have come from, and understand my journey traveled and journey yet to be traveled. But what God has for me is for me, even though she could named Shauna, Nirali, Becky, Rosa, or Fook Yu. LOL

Sunfresh

Now if only white/asian/latina women sat around talking about their men leaving them...sounds like it's just "us" complaining.

Dena C.

I came across two black college twin males who confidently claimed they don't date black women because it seems like everyone one of the black women are either drama or baby mommas. "I only date white women," they said.

It is not the black women's fault that one out of four have to deal with baby momma drama. Hell, who's the one with the sperm? I am fine with black males dating interracially. But, I am not okay with those who never gave black women a chance because of what they see or hear. The black love isn't there when there's only one side of the relationship. Some men are dumb enough to praise the white woman like she's the golden pyramid. Why? Because the white woman cater to the man? Buy him anything and everything that he wants? And does anything dumb enough that he wants her to do. I don't apologize or feel bad...because we, black women, stand on our own feet and think on our own. It's just the fact of never giving black women the chance. And the white woman think they fine and always taking our men and devouring any black man they see like a pack of wolves.

I don't mind IR relationships thus, giving black love a chance first. If it don't work out with one person, then we have the right to choose to date or love who we want to whether a different color or race. I've seen BM and asian females as well as latinos. There's not a problem with that because just like us, they need love too. It just seems like the male species is near to extinct sometimes. My only peeve is just seeing that black man with a white woman....she can be real big and ugly for all that matter, and he show her off like she a victoria secret model.

Back to my point, just give black love a chance....

sandyv

If only you knew how many black women that are sitting around having this same conversation it's sickening. I don't care if a person dates outside their race because sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with. My biggest annoyance with BM though who date outside the race is when they sit there and criticize you for doing exactly what they are doing. They sit there talking out of their necks about how much they love a black woman and at the same time dating someone of a completely different race. They act as if you're suppose to be waiting around for them when they feel like dating a BW, well i think not. Black women need to stop limiting themselves just because we don't to be criticized for dating interracialy . I say do what makes you happy, your future husband etc. may not be who you envisioned, it might be a total surprise. Let's be honest who don't like surprises, don't let the stereotypes be a reason not to step out and try "Something New" be it black,white Puerto Rican or Asian.

Shenitra

Thank You and AMEN for this post. It seems to me like too often alot of us like to beat around the bush when it comes to dating outside our race....at least that's my experience. More power to any one who realizes that basic need as a human being to seek out love, true intimacy and understanding and not love-with-a-color.

It just seems UNREAL that brothers participate in many IRs, whereas sisters are lookining for the IBM. I feel that there is alot of insecurity surrounding the issue in the black community, and I hate to say it, but I really feel it with other black women. I hear all kinds of rationales for not being in an IR.....it's human nature for me to ONLY be interested in black men (WTF).....stereotypes against all other men....if you can't find a black man, don't get married at all...... Sometimes I think it's important to weigh up as human beings what our ethics , values and morals REALLY are and stop trying to seek out something that only society may deem appropriate for your life.

If you find yourself drawn to someone outside your race...so be it. If you find yourself drawn to a brother...so be it. Whatever you do in the end is going to be worth it because you're showing yourself and your emotions respect, which can only lead to having no regrets and loving yourself. I love ya'll!

Lovingthyself

"Something in the air tells me Black women are about to give up on Black men and start dating Pablo and them….."

About to? Where you been?

Girl, you're about to get left behind. You can keep on waiting for that IBM if you want to. You're gonna find youself lby yourself, dried up, depressed and looking like Miss Havisham (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miss_Havisham).

I hatre to break it down to bw but LISTEN GOOD... black men are not coming back, flocking home nor returing to the nest. It's a done deal.

LISTEN UP one 'mo 'gin...black men don't want to come back. The majorty of them have moved on and the little that are so-called "good" that are into bw are already taken.

If you love yourself and believe you diserve to be happy start doing the things that makes you happy. ANd that means being with someone that treats you with respect who enriches your life regardless of race/color.

Love thy self!

Anita

"Something in the air tells me Black women are about to give up on Black men and start dating Pablo and them….."

You say that like it's such a terrible thing... Maybe you'd find something you like?

There is nothing wrong with you wanting a black man, if you aren't attracted to any other sort of man then an interracial relationship isn't going to work for you anyway. Yeah sure it's discouraging when it *looks* like every black man wants to date someone that is not you, but it is a statistical impossibility that all black men have stopped dating black women. He may be hard to find but there's gotta be one out there somewhere (you do just need one, right?)

But if you really *did* want to holler at Enrique, because you liked him and had a lot of things in common I hope you understand that this would not constitute an act of treason against the negro race. If you're worried that your hypothetical IR marriage would be damaging to "the black community" just remember that in this country your kids would still be considered black anyway... But, if you were just doing it because you saw one too many black men running around with Consuela and Priya then you may want to reconsider your motivation before you date... anybody else.

e.

god i love bari :)

now onto your post, girl i had this convo with a few black men and some black women at my house a few months ago. the black men were quick to say they dated everyone and they did love black women. fine in theory, in practice one dude was "not dating" *eye roll* a white chick and the other guy had a latina chick and the third was single. so, black men say a lot but when it comes down to it, i see very different actions.

i get black love. i support black love. but when i see what's out there, i know i have a better chance of MARRYING a guy of another race than a black guy. sure, i would love to marry a black man but the odds are stacked against us.

i don't have an answer. i hope you find your black knight in shining armor. keep hope alive ai!

e.

DevilsAdvocate

I think you're asking the wrong questions and looking in the wrong place for the answers. How many non mega-rich, uber successful, well rounded Black men do you know that date white women? I know I bunch.

Ultimately we all want to be loved. Sure some look for money or social standing or even vengeance, but when you get downright organic with it, you look for love. Somebody that understands you for you and nothing less. A Black Man may not understand a Black Woman's taste in music, entertainment, etc. while a White Man may....so who's so say that the woman is better of with the Black Guy rather than the White Guy JUST because they share the same skin color. Based on your rationale, you would simply default to the Black Guy because he's BLACK...despite your differences in pretty much everything else. Chances are you'd cut him loose after a couple of months (if you're smart) and go on the prowl for the next Brotha.

You cant limit your self by race. If we (Black Folks) adopted that practice we wouldn't shoot for jobs working for White companies, or buy homes with White neighbors or buy a car because White people have em. We wouldn't have voted for a Black President because he wouldn't have gotten elected anyway right? They aren't going to let a Black Man in the White House....right?

We're at a point in society where we cannot ever forgot to acknowledge, remember, honor and respect our race...but we also have to look past our race. Until people learn to do that we're doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes we've made decade after decade, but its only going to get worse.

You/Me/We all need to change our way of thinking. Ultimately, you may end up with a Brotha, but you might actually learn to love someone for who they are instead of what they look like along the way.

DA

Sunfresh

I only take issue to the circumstance in which a black man says he doesn't date black women...period. IMO a bigger threat to 'black love,' black men's general adoration for 'the game,' (dating numerous women and having meaningless relationships until they're dang near 40). Perhaps it's regional...whereas the west coast threat could be a non-black woman; the southern chocolate city threat is men's adoration of 'the game.'

I think the real question is why are those truly seeking unconditional love limiting who they can receive it from (in other words why are black women so apprehensive to dating outside their race?). However, in order to explore that topic we'd have to upturn some rocks and expose some insecurities. Often times when you ask a black woman why she doesn't date outside her race she'll say, "I just don't think THEY are attractive", but then talk about how cute Mark Walbergh is (he's a personal favorite). I think what it boils down to really is that we fear that Mark won't find us attractive.

Jeremy

Spot on.
I am a white male that doesn't limit myself to finding woman of a different skin color attractive.
A lot of white men, my friends included, find black woman extremely attractive.

eXclusive

"However, you can’t be the Huxtables with Soon Yi or Mississippi Marsala (c) Bari. "

That got damned Bari! ;-)

Anyway, in the words of another good Soror: "Go brad, it aint so bad."

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