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November 17, 2008 | Gordon Gartrell | Comments

The Male Whore Debate: A Duel Point of View

When it comes to honesty and relationships, hypocrisy is rampant. We preach the importance of the truth but we cut corners with our own partners. Failure to divulge the entire story behind a past sexual encounter to your current mate, for example, does not exonerate you as a liar. There is no gray area: Are you honest or dishonest

Here at P.O.S.H, we are all about asking the tough questions and seeking answers that will enable healthy relationships. We received this letter the other day from one of our readers that caused my new opposing counterpart Jock Roqoff and I to engage in a deep discussion. As part of this debate, I invite you to read, join in, and let us know.

Sooo I just had a very interesting conversation with some of my colleagues in re: cheating, sex, blah blah blah (things mbas like to talk about when financial modeling is getting particularly boring) when an interesting topic arose…..whether or not it is better to disclose information to your s/o or keep the information to yourself if you know it would otherwise hurt them.

The facts: One of my classmates is, for lack of a better term, a male slut (albeit a very nice young man). He is trying to get back together with his ex girlfriend but he did so much dirt when they were together, he fears that if he confirms some of the things she thinks he did while they were apart, she’ll never speak to him again. His story is that she’s been hurt so much he would like to shield her from this information and move forward with their happily ever after. My take is that he’s being selfish and as a woman, we ALWAYS want to hear it from your mouth rather than somewhere else

One of my guy friends agreed with me (though his reasoning was questionable) and said that he should disclose the information so he could place his own spin on the situation. The best defense being a good offense type of deal. The male whore (albeit nice guy) believes that he should pull a Shaggy (a la “It Wasn’t Me”) and deny, deny, deny. It was a very interesting convo that went on for quite some time (seeing as how financial modeling was not interesting at all) and resulted in interesting discourse

What say you gents?

Jock Roqoff

Unless we’re talking about full disclosure of your behavior before (or during a breakup) with your significant other. Here’s the thing. Women say they want a man to be honest with them. This is a lie. Women just want certain things to be true (You don’t look fat in that dress, if Beyonce fell naked onto my lap I’d kick her off, I don’t find your laugh grating, I like your friends). Another thing women want to be true is that before she met you, you were a complete angel. Not a virgin, perhaps, but you generally refrained from one-night stands, hard liquor, and perhaps pork. This is even more so if you were together, broke up, and got back together. Which is not completely unreasonable.

After all, who wants to think that as soon as their sig O was out of their clutches, they fell dick-first into the next five women that showed up with cookies. Women don’t want this to be true. But sometimes, let’s face it, that’s what happens. It might not be a good and righteous thing, or something one is proud of, but the reality of the situation is that, sometimes it happens. And in those occasional instances, let’s not forget that at the end of the day, he chose you (cue Willie Hutch sample

So let’s let the past be the past, and talk about the future. We don’t want to talk about the tragedies of the Bush years, we want to look forward to the glory of an Obama administration. So as tempting as it might be to for you, young lady, to want to dig through every crevice of history, let it be. And as much as you, sir, might want to cleanse your soul by regurgitating every ill-advised foray into womanland, let it be, champ. Let it be.

Your response, Gordon.

Honesty is the Best Policy

Gordon Gartrell

I’m utterly perplexed by Jock’s belief that silence is golden. Telling half truths sometimes only worsen the situation. Sometimes being honest saves the partner from finding out something through other sources. Relationships have been known to break because a partner could not simply tell the truth or that they hid some truth from their partner. Being honest will also help you be at peace with yourself. You will not worry about your partner finding out something you did from some other people.

Yeah, Jock is accurate…women lie. Lies have existed throughout history (the beginning of time actually) and many us have heard (or said) them. I heard them, my crew heard/said them, others heard them … all the way back to when Adam said to Eve “Girl … you know you’re the only one for me. I’ll never leave you.” … until God got mad and it came time to point fingers. Also, I bet if there were some other females inside of the garden, would have been a whole different story once he had some options.
Whoops…I digress.

And so, when it comes to being honest about past events, some may feel that keeping a few secrets may be in everyone’s best interest. However, I feel a close conversation with Bill Clinton, Jesse Jackson, Usher, and even Marion Barry would be appropriate to see if this is accurate.

You see here in Adultland, secrets have definitely been the key element for many couples’ breakups, which is why the closer you get with your sig O, the more you should reveal about yourself. If we are trying to get back together and you participated in some activity that will cause me to question your redeeming qualities…I would like to know.

If your still texting your ex-boyfriend, giving him flight status while you are seeing me in my city…I would like to know. If your still getting butterflies in your stomach for your ex “tombout” he is your friend, and it was that same individual that yanked you in Ozios like Ike Turner did Anna Mae…um yeah, I would like to know.

Now you can read this and say, “Wow, Gordon is taking this honesty thing a bit too far.” Or you can read this and think, “Maybe I should have disclosed that I was one of the girls in the “Big Pimpin” or “Tip Drill” video while we were on a break.”

Honesty…let’s make it a habit.

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Filed Under: Dating • Dating Tips • Featured • For Men Only • Relationships

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Viewing 19 Comments

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    Tried to sneak in and publish this while I wasn't looking and make me look the bad guy, eh, Gordon? As usual, you're way off base. I'm talking about not vomiting out your private relationships wherein they don't affect the current one. You're talking about "her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds." I'm talking about if I'm flying Delta exclusively now, the ticket agent doesn't need to know that I flew Northwest, Continental, Alsaka Air, and maybe a couple Virgins while Delta was on strike. Merry Berry was smoking crack with a prostitute. That's a little more "little white lie" than I was talking about. And Billy Clint was doing wrong while IN a relationship. I said between. Try again, Gartrell.
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    So Jock, what if your sig O were to ask you a blatant question. I.e. did you sleep with THAT (that one right there with the long hair, green eyes, ss#123456789). Would silence be your response, or would you give full disclosure?
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    Nice article, I like the "dual" concept...

    In relationships there are always two sides to everything. I think the reality is that people are people and we do very irrational things in a very unpredictable frequency, that being said, one of the best ways to keep a relationship (if thats what both parties want, because alot of times deep down so one usually has ?'s) together is to generally follow your heart. If your heart leads you out of your ex's arms d!ck/p*ssy 1st into your next few suitors then atleast thats where you wanted to be, but if that person means something to you, dont play the revenge card because generally that backfires and creates the inseperable divide because someone feels they were driven to do something they wouldnt usually do creating guilt...

    Ok, that was longer that I expected..

    Nice Blog
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    I say keep it honest... if you don't want to tell the truth about something the reality is that you probably shouldn't be doing (or have done) it. That being said the bigger issue about telling the truth is that when you don't tell someone the truth, you effectually make a decision for them. I personally don't like people making decisions for me, I'd rather know the truth so I can decide for myself if it is a truth I'm comfortable with living with. When you lie in a relationship, it will eventually come out and then that is when people begin making new decisions... usually one's to walk away.
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    Angela:

    Long hair and green eyes? Why can't she have a short natural and chocolate brown skin? Why are you trying to play the race card here? I obviously can't respond rationally to someone who's so obviously a colorist.


    But in all seriousness, If your sig O asks you a question, you have a responsibility to answer honestly. I'm not advocating deceit here. Just a less possessively jealous feeling of entitlement to know (or share) every detail.
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    And a good day to you too sir. I would like to rebut your previous claims in an improvisational rhythmic manner. In terms to your claim about not” vomiting out your private relationships wherein they don't affect the current one” honesty about your past Quagmire activities is not just the best policy, it is the only policy. Many times people either create troubles by lying or only compound their troubles by lying. Why is honesty the best policy, even while on a break? Honesty shows integrity and character. I guess that is one of many elements that is missing from relationships: integrity and character. Adultland is not for everyone.

    Even while you are on a break a man/woman should always conduct themselves as if they have morals and sense. Your activity during the era of your “private relationships” affects your current one. Your activity in the past is definitely prologue. In relationships people need to know what exactly they are getting involved with. I’m not saying become an over analytical CSI agent, but if you had a lifestyle that goes against my belief system and morals, then I would like to know. Secrets, lying, and questionable past activities are for kids and childish. When I became a man...I put away childish things.
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    But doesn't it just boil down to this: a whore will not feel comfortable disclosing his/her past activities, whereas a person who practices more restraint will?
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    You seem like the kind of guy who hacks into his girl's myspace page because he doesn't trust her. Just saying. Just a feeling.
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    I mean I agree with Jock...why you gotta know erry thing. If you have turned over a new leaf and previously your business card said "Specialty: Hoeation and Birthday Cakes" Why do you have to get into the specifics. I don't want to know you saw more cheeks than a doctor performing physicals. As long as we get you tested...I don't want to know.

    And what is the point of asking if you slept with a specific person.....you will regret it later and wonder was it good to them...why did they stop....how did it happen...blah blah...downward spiral. Stop the ride I want to get off.
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    There are definitely two sides to every story and then there's the truth! I have to say I agree with a little bit of all of you. I think women think we want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth but then we can't handle it when the truth is dished out with a spoon. Also, sometimes as women we inquire about things that we shouldn't concern ourselves with. However, on the other hand fellas, if your girl asks a question regarding what you may have done specifically whether it's when you were together or separated, you ought to be truthful with her. It's selfish and unfair to deny her the truth and the ability to make an informed decision on her own. Be comfortable enough in your position and where you stand with her that even if you tell her the truth, though she may be hurt initially, that eventually she may allow you back into her good graces because she wants and not because she was tricked back into the relationship.

    Hint: Just keep it real!
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    It makes no sense to dwell on the past if you're tying to progress towards the future with someone..If a SO is still questioning you about your past it's a clear sign that trust issues exist and that you have not been forgiven for past actions, although someone said they "forgave" you...(if a SO wants to know something, they should receive an honest answer).

    Volunteering hurtful information to get something off your chest and to "set you free" is selfish and can do more damage than intended. It's a gamble volunteering info and those who do it should be prepared for any outcome.

    You reap what you sow and when you do dirt it ALWAYS comes back to haunt you.
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    there is a lot of this article I just don't get but here goes...

    What exactly is this "on a break" business? I was always under the impression that people are either in relationships with each other, or they aren't.
    If you have a SO, and you BREAK UP, and then later decide for some reason to get back together (one of the things here I don't get, exes are automatically dead to me) then the stuff that happened while BROKEN UP does not affect current relationship. How could it be dishonest if it is none of their business?

    This is not the situation presented in the post however; Mr. Skanky McNasty had aready done dirt when they were together so of course the ex wouldn't trust him. He should go ahead and tell her everything, so she leaves him forever and they can finally end the tired charade they call a relationship... at least that's how it sounds to me the way you presented it, that they're better off without each other to begin with. After all there's probably a good reason they broke up in the first place.

    I don't care what you did before me, or if you ever tell me about it. As long as you aren't doing it on the side while you're with me and all your test results come back negative then I got nothing to complain about, so I'm certainly not going to ask for something to camplain about.
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    Lmao @ Mr. Skanky McNasty. I totally agree Anita. I don't need to know what you did prior to me, but I do need to be able to trust you. I won't ask questions I don't want the answer to, but I also want full disclosure on poignant questions. That being said, I personally wouldn't get back together with someone who had habitually cheated on me and lied to me in the past. But different strokes for different folks and all that jazz...
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    The only time a woman should care about her man's sexual conquests while broken up, separated, on time out, or whatever you call it is if he may have been with someone controversial. Like an "ex" that he creeped with while they were together, a family member that he had a little too much interest in, or his secretary (you get the idea). But one instance that she should definitely be told is if your adventures include a sudden interest in the same sex (and don't act like it doesn't happen). That type of conquests adds a new dynamic to any situation...Other than those cases, when you are not in a relationship, you owe NO ONE an explanation of your actions.
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    she should question his past because he did that while he was with her. that's not just conquests, that's cheating. you've broken her trust. you snitch....one of two things happens, she stops speaking to you or she accepts your honesty and sticks around. you keep it from her, and she find outs from someone else? then not only will she probably leave you, but she'll think you're a peice of sh*t.
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    Maybe my point wasn't clear. If he cheats while in a relationship and they break up, what he does while broken up isn't any of her business UNLESS he was messing around with the SAME chic he was caught cheating with...That means the "side" chic could be more of an issue than he is willing to admit.
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    Nia,
    You need to scream that from the rooftops for every man to hear. If they can understand that simple concept, dating would be much easier. Lol.
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    Glad to see folks trying to provoke thought, keep it up.
    PS- It should be "dual" debate, not "duel"...
    Peace!
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    I think that was supposed to be a double entendre
 

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