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Is Colorism Affecting Your Dating Habits?

By CocoaDiva on Aug 10, 2008 with Comments

So its Monday, and you knew I had to bring you the ignorance. Its dating week here at P.O.S.H. and I wanted to discuss how colorism affects your dating habits. It ain’t 1953 and we are no longer riding at the back of the bus. However, many of us still subscribe to dating habits of the past.

I wanted to get to the heart of dating patterns we find ourselves trapped in and why we claim there are no “quality/good” folks around for us to date. Do you limit your pool by color? Is it subconscious or is it a preference so deep rooted that you didn’t even realize you were doing it? Are we excluding quality candidates based on ex slave mentalities? I saw this quote on Happy Nappy Head by Roy Innis and it really made me think.

“I was one of the pioneers of the concept of Black is Beautiful. That we must be proud of our African ancestry. Unfortunately, the demon of self-depreciation has been the most difficult demon for Black Americans of all complexions to expel. Darker skinned Blacks like KanyeWest have had an even harder time accepting Blackness in themselves and in others. I wonder how much we have gained psychologically, since the bad old days of the 60’s, in our appreciation of our Blackness.”

I will be the first to admit. I used to subscribe to the title of this post. All of my boyfriends or guys I was interested in were light bright, paper bag test passing, “good hair” having, get my mamma and grand mamma’s stamp of approval dudes. My family is from Tennessee, where it was believed back in the day that the lighter you were the easier you fit into society and were desirable. Colorism appears to be tied to where you live in America. In the Southern and Western areas of the country, folks still subscribe to the “If your Light your Right” theory of dating. I was even told by a family member “Don’t marry any dark-skinned man, we won’t babysit your monkey children.” Wow! I was appalled, and this was sometime around 2003…not 1923.

Many black women have stated preferences for dating only light-skin men. There is this conception that men of lighter complexions will be more successful in the workplace (which equals stability and providing for a family), and they will have “pretty” children which is tied to the myths about good and bad hair. A poll I found online stated that women had a preference for dating light skinned men. Discussion on the generally stated that women generally were raised not to date darker skinned men or chose them as husband material but darker skinned men were perceived as better lovers in bed. (Wow, we still are on the Mandingo principle in 2008???)

Men how about you? I have heard black professional men discuss only dating medium to light skinned women. Darker skinned women at times can be seen as undesirable in work, social, and economic settings. Dating light skinned women is even ingrained in popular media. When is the last time you saw a dark skinned video chick? Nearly every girl in a video can check the light-skinned, other, or questionable box. Kanye West is even quoted as saying “If it wasn’t for race mixing there’d be no video girls. Me and most of our friends like mutts a lot. Yeah, in the hood they call ‘em mutts”.

You all remember the “Light-Skinned Girl Party” which was to be held in Detroit and women perceived as light skinned would get in for $5. Black men even seem to stray away from or have a preference for dating women with lighter complexions as they will have long and straight hair. It appears that Black men are only slowly coming around to women rocking their natural hair texture.

I even caught a glimpse of online dating ads. Most people referred to themselves as light or dark skinned, not just black. You don’t see other nationalities referring to themselves by color even though each ethnicity has their own color issues to deal with.

To come back full circle. Does colorism affect your dating preferences? Do you stick to one range of color on the Black spectrum? Are you missing out on good candidates because of a societal idea placed in your head by your environment or family?

If so, I think we all need to take a hard look at our preferences and be a little more equal opportunity. We don’t work in the big house or the field anymore and while racism does exist, we shall overcome.

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About the Author:

  • AllPeople
    .

    It is often a surprise for people to learn that,
    in reality, there is actually No Such Thing
    As a "Light Skinned Black" person.

    The term "Light Skinned Black" is really nothing more
    than a racist oxymoron that was created by racial
    Supremacists in an effort to forcibly deny those
    Mixed-Race individuals, who are of what is referred
    to as being a Multi-Generational Multiracially-Mixed
    (MGM-Mixed) Lineage, the right to fully embrace and
    to also receive public support in choosing to acknowledge
    the truth regarding their complete ancestral heritage.

    The people who have been slapped with the false label and
    oxymoronic misnomer of "Light Skinned Black" person are
    simply Mixed-Race individuals -- who are from families
    which have became and have remained continually
    Mixed-Race throughout their multiple generations.

    It should also be noted that no one is saying that having
    a light skin complexion is the 'only' or even a 'required'
    proof of being of a continuously Mixed-Race lineage.

    What is simply being said here is that it is just one
    of the clearly-visible and openly undeniable forms
    of proof that a person is of a Mixed-Race lineage.

    Also -- the legend of the existence of so-called 'Brown Paper Bag'
    Tests; 'Blue Vein' Societies; 'Fine-Toothed Comb' Tests; etc. --
    have been PROVEN by multiple historians to have been (very
    much like the infamous so-called 'Willie Lynch Letter / Speech'
    HOAX and the myth of a Light-Skin 'House' / Dark-Skin 'Field'
    chattel=slave "hierarchy) nothing more than a series of mere
    'Urban Myths' and 'Urban Legends' created in order to incite
    unmerited hostility toward the people of Multiracial Lineage.

    For more information on MGM-Mixed lineage and / or for data,
    bibliography, links and other sources which prove that that these
    urban myths and legends are unfair and true, feel free to view
    the information at the found at the links listed below and / or
    to contact me directly via email at soaptalk@hotmail.com.

    Sincerely,


    -- AllPeople (AP) Gifts
    soaptalk@hotmail.com


    LINKS:


    http://boards.mulatto.org/post/show_single_post...


    http://boards.mulatto.org/post/show_single_post...

    http://mgmix.com/site/index.php?option=com_cont...
     
    http://newsblaze.com/story/20090621155502zzzz.n...
     
    http://boards.mulatto.org/post/show_single_post...


    http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Generation-Mixed   
    http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MGM-Mixed     
    http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FGM-Mixed   

    .
  • Niki
    I hate how some of these topics tend to pit dark skin over light skin. It's equally as wrong as someone doing vice versa. It should be wrong to pick any person because of a color, however do know light skinned blacks are discriminated against as well. The article above makes it seem as if choosing a light skinned black somehow reflects your insecuirty about color. What's the excuse for people who choose darker complexioned blacks over light complexioned blacks?

    I really despise this topic being brought up over and over again. Because what the authors really are saying is that they don't deem light skinned blacks as a member of the black race, therefore something is "wrong" with you for dating one. It's similar to the "why do black men date white women" topics. At the end of the day, whether people have their complexes or not, it shouldn't make you insecure about your complexion. And ALL of these "don't forget the dark skinned peopl" topics reflect a deep insecuirty in darker complexioned humans. Because there ARE men dating chocolate sisters. However their insecurity keeps these flames of light v/s dark going.

    I apologize about the length, but I just really hate how comfortable it is now to cast light skinned blacks and a preference for them as being a "problem." It's like blacks can't control whites, so pick on the closest to white in your race and tell people they are self hating or have a complex because they choose one black person over another black person. You're black. End of discussion.
  • LuvLeBrownSuga
    Well... it's a mix... I'm from California where there's a mix of everything, so I dated everything/everyone in terms of complexions... It's not till I went to an HBCU in the South that I started to notice a trend. I ended up dating men around my father's complexion, who's a darker/richer tone than I am. There's been the exception that folks with similar complexions dated, but I noticed a kind of balance amongst skin: the darker complexions dated the lighter complexion and vice versa. It's interesting: the man who's courting me is of a darker complexion to my light brown complexion, and it's there. It's like subconsciously we're trying to strive for some balance in it all... Don't know if I'm the only one who notices this... *shrugs*
  • President Anthony Taurus
    I don't subscribe to colorism. I love 'em in all flavors from deep dark chocolate to Beyonce white (yeah I said that) LOL.
  • Micki B
    No I don't subscribe colorism, because I have always thought that having the pick of the rainbow was great. But as we know lots of people in '08 still do.
  • CocoaDiva
    But how do you feel about the affect color has on dating? Do you feel like you exclude quality candidates based on color alone?


    Folks are mighty silent ;-)
  • Glennisha Morgan
    I am embarrassed that that flier is from my hometown! I can't believe that shit! Pure ignorance, that's so sad.
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