10 Dating Mistakes Men Make

By CocoaDiva on Aug 13, 2008 with Comments

Caution….I am about to get ignant and possibly vulgar. If you don’t want to know what mistakes your making..look to your right and select a new post.

So you want a girlfriend huh? Well, let me clue you into a few pitfalls men fall into with women. If you keep it simple you might just make it kid. A lot of these mistakes are what lead to men complaining about “crazy, gold diggin, angry black women” Do your part and clean up the Black dating scene. Do us a favor and clear the myths from your mind. Trust us…black women aren’t the only ones causing the trouble.

1. Be Honest -
If you are hung up on your ex figure that mess out then talk to us ..matter of fact don’t talk to us. If you want to just have sex let us know so we can ride out or move on quick fast and in a hurry. If you want a relationship say so and make sure she has landed in relationship zone on the board game. Don’t tell us what you think we want to hear. We are too old for “I think I can”. You know if we spark that fire in your mind or just in your pants. Keep it gangsta.

2. Give a Damn and Have Common Courtesy -
Why is it that women try to cater their lives around what men think or do? Men, care what we think. Listen to what we have to say. Do like they taught you in kindergarten and pick up on context clues. Those clues will key you in to a whole lot and will prevent many an argument. If your not that into her cut it off. If you are into her ….call her back, show up when you are supposed to, follow through, don’t be an ass!!!!!

3. Going for the trophy (all that glitters ain’t gold) -
So you found Ms. Model and your all excited and calling your friends. Fast forward a couple months and your dollars down and pissed off. Did you take time to get to know her personality? Did you sit down and talk to her? Or were just just excited about how fine she was? Fineness doesn’t equate to having a level head or compatibility. Ms. Right could be sitting right next to you. Think about what you really want in a girlfriend.

Don’t forget about essential qualities like compassion, compatibility, and whether or not she makes any sense when she speaks.

4. Falling knee deep in p*ssy –
Think with your big head and not your little one. Women, I know you will hate me but most women can’t seperate sex from emotion. There really is no such thing as meaningless sex with 95% of women. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO DATE US BACK AWAY WITH YOUR PANTS ZIPPED!! Sex isnt everything and what happens when you really get to know her and she ain’t it. Your stuck between a bed and a hard place and then you wonder why we hate your guts later. Learn about her first….sex her later. Good Di*k can make you lose your mind. Any woman will tell you love isn’t blind but good sex is.

5. Every woman is not after your resume-
Yes, we worked hard to get where we are too. So its no suprise we want a man who is equally yoked in some respects. YOu are’t wifing Wal-Mart girl, so why should I be forced to marry Mr. Paper or Plastic? Guys, every woman does not want you to be her sugar daddy.

You don’t want a lazy woman who stays at home while you earn money…guess what, we don’t want a lazy man and there is nothing wrong with that. We are not all gold diggers. We have accomplishments too..yawn. What else are you bringing to the table? Can you hold a conversation? Are you funny? Do you know how to manage all that cheeze you earned? Are you an asshole? These are all qustions running through my mind after the yoke qualifying round.

6. Man up -
If you want to date her ….do it. Slow down on your random bed buddies and freaks. Put some time and effort in. Let her know how you are feeling and find out if she feels the same way. Good matches are a dime a dozen. If you see you have a good possibility with one don’t let lame excuses like distance, too much work, I am too busy, and I haven’t conquered the world stop you. My mantra in life is you make time for what you want and go after it. If you see you want her….strap up those cajones and jump in. You make time to watch football, go drink, and shake your cheeks at the club…if you want her….make time for her. Trust, if you aren’t, someone else is.

7. Don’t date emotionally unavailable women -
Remember we said get to know her. Find out if she is still emotionally attached to her former boo. If she is still hung up on him, you will never make headway and will never touch her heart like you should. Then you get all pissed off and take it out on the next chick. Flag on the play…do your homework.

8. You don’t make all the rules
Guess what? Its a partnership. We don’t want you to be a doormat and we don’t want you to hand over your pants. Power struggles can create a competitive environment, and there is no place for competition in a relationship. Compromise and be considerate. We would just like you to understand our position as well. If you can’t handle that why are we dating? (See mistake 2)

9. Yes, we ARE willing to work with you –
If you are not exactly where you want to be in your life (financially, academically, or spiritually) — it’s okay. Newsflash – Black couples can build together just like any other nationality. As long as we are working on becoming our best selves together …life is alright.

10. Don’t place us on an unobtainable pedastle.
We are human too and make mistakes. If you make a mistake we forgive you just like you should forgive us. Don’t be so apologetic (unless you’ve really screwed up) and don’t take the blame for something that isn’t your fault.

We do want nice guys – NOT DOORMATS. The bad boy we like is the man who can check us when need be. There is a difference from being an ass and realizing when we need a little assistance with reality. We really don’t want your hip-hop thug…sorry to dash your dreams…its a myth.

Hope this helps you out! I had to keep it real with you.

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Filed Under: Dating • Featured • For Men Only

Tags: Dating Advice • Relationship Advice

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swiv

"Not many black women these days are into a relationship based on organic growth; they’re more about acquisitional growth."

this is BS. more often than not, women are into it because of the relationship as opposed to what it can do for them. gold diggers and their ilk are the exception, not the rule. women are more willing to work with a man in progress than vice versa. it's just the way it is.

swiv

can someone tell me what cali has to do with responding to comments? either way, most of this stuff is common sense. all the advice in the world isn't gonna do jack for a man who isn't doesn't want to change.

i do think it's mad lame to lie to a chick in order to spare her feelings. not to say that i haven't done it, but it's still lame. and yes, i'm saying that in the instances i've done it, i've been lame.

and there's a huge difference between being emasculated and being nice. women want a man who's a man.

Kyle

I agree with Ed as well, if you take a survey nice guys usually get the short end of the stick. It usually deals with the "nice guy" not giving the lady space to breathe by doing what he thinks she wants done.

Ed The Sports Fan

Good post, but I'll say this...I've been Mr. Nice Guy for the past 10 years and that sh*t backfires...I notice when I'm cruel and insensitive to ladies they respond. Ish is weird.

But a great post, and I love my life!

-Ed.

www.edthesportsfan.com

Kyle

Richard really hit a good point when saying we can build together like others. There was a time when marriage wasn't always a business venture. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have your ish together before you bring someone into your realm, but too long that has been used as an excuse. His points were great from a male point of view

eva

good post.

but richard, you must agree that there's a difference b/w lying to keep the date moving smoothly (a la no that dress doesn't make you look fat) and lying to get some coochie (i'm single/i'm over my ex, etc. etc).

Nekesha

Ok, let me throw my $0.02 in here. Ladies, don't think I am a traitor to the gender, but I totally agree with Richard's comments. Since getting married, my understanding and perception of men has increased 10 fold. If a man is making the mistakes listed here, then he's really not feeling you that much in the first place, point blank. Leave him alone, because during the time you were waisting with him you could have found the 'right' one.

Particularly with points 2 and 6. If a guy is really into you, he can't wait to talk to you, so he will call. Plus, he wants to spend time with you. So,despite what all may be going on in his life, he will make the time for you. Really, he will. When I was dating and knew that I was ready to be in a serious relationship, upon first getting to know a guy if he didn't return my phone calls within 24 hours, his place in my list of priorities dropped. If I ever got an "I was too busy to (fill in the blank)," Guess what? Dropped.

As far as sex goes, ladies we've got to understand that sex is waaayyyy more important to men then it will ever be for us. They're just chemically designed to be more physical and visual than we are. Just an example, a couple a weeks ago my husband and I were talking about whether or not we were going to send our daughter to daycare and out of nowhere he asked this totally random sexually related question. So my response was, 'we were talking about childcare how in the hell did sex pop into your mind?' To which he responded, 'Are you kidding me? It's sex, we could have been talking about macaroni and cheese and collard greens and I could have made some type of connection to sex.' So, while sex is not everything in a relationship, for men it occupies a much bigger piece of the pie than it does for women. Now, am I saying that because of this we should excuse men from running rampid? No, but what I am saying is we've got take control of our sexuality. Women's intuition is powerful. Ladies, if we really look deep within, we can see pass the BS and know if we're just being used sexually. If you sense that and that's not what you want, close it up. Don't continue sleeping with him because you think one day his feeling may change. Women operate like that, not men. Coca Diva, you mentioned that 95% of women can't seperate sex and emotion. Well, I'll go one step further and make the assumption that 95% of men can. So, please lose the false hope that a man who is just sleeping with you casually may one day want something more. So, if you want a serious relationship, keep it closed. You make him learn about you before giving it up. If he's really interested, he'll stick around. If not, he wasn't the one

Ok, this post is getting long and I need to get back to doing some work, but I say all this to make the point that we as women need to take more control of the relationships we choose to be in. Don't waste your time with someone who makes these mistakes. Men who display the behavior mentioned above aren't 'trash' or 'dawgs' they just aren't that crazy about you. So, recognize this. Don't be bitter or angry, just accept it and move on to the next.

p.s. I love what you're doing withe blog Aith :-)

Preston

A lot of good stuff in the post and comments. I don't think Richard and Cocoa Diva are too far off from each other. Just a few details they may disagree on.

President Anthony Wrote "but one thing i know is that honesty has kept me celibate for a while now. im tired of bein honest. LOL"

Yo that really goes both ways. I've gotten some because I told 'em what they wanted to hear. and I've gotten some cause I just kept it 100% honest. The honest route always feels a little better though. No guilt or BS. Stick with it. It'll break the other way. CD is right--most chicks can take it...

MirthNadir

That was a nice post ... I am confused if you (or the first comment) make the point about a pretty face will get you in the door but a nice person on the inside will keep you in the house ... whomever said that is correct ...

Something that is important to me is that a person either have a diverse group of friends or be genuinely open to have diverse friends. How do you feel about that?

Anonymous

This was helpful....

I suck at dating...and this was "real talk" as they say....

President Anthony Taurus

i didn't know if i should comment to your blog or to that blog-like comment by richard LOL.

but one thing i know is that honesty has kept me celibate for a while now. im tired of bein honest. LOL

Richard

Maybe it's the Cali in me, but (as we discussed on IM while you wrote this blog) there are some holes in your argument.
Disclaimer: Now for those women who are reading this, this is just my opinion, and I only speak for myself and my experiences, and not for black men.

Don't tell us what you think we want to hear.

Why would we do that, when the truth would hurt you more? Just imagine if your S.O. pulled a Al Bundy and said "it's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's the FAT that makes you look fat." Naw, we rather lie and keep the evening smooth.

If you are into her ....call her back, show up when you are supposed to, follow through, don't be an ass!!!!!

If a man's into you, he will do those things and it will become a labour of love for him. He won't think about the consequences, it will just happen. If he's not doing it, it's not because he's lazy, it's because HE'S NOT INTO YOU. Think about it from a professional standpoint: if a company wants to hire you, they won't chill and just sit there. They will call you, make you an offer, and ask for your decision. Simple as that. Men make it known if we're interested. And if you act half ass on your interest as well, a GOOD man with options won't wait for you. (FYI)

Fineness doesn't equate to having a level head or compatibility. Ms Right could be sitting right next to you.

You are absolutely right. However, if "Ms. Right" looks like Lil' Wayne, men won't talk to her. PERIOD. As we talked about before, men are visual creatures, and the first thing that attracts us to you is your looks. Now, speaking for myself, looks may get you in the door, but who you are INSIDE is what keeps you inside of my house. The problem we have in our society is that women who are considered "trophy material" are not given an incentive by our society to be "good women" because "bitch niggas" give them passes because of their looks.

You are't wifing Wal-Mart girl, so why should I be forced to marry Mr. Paper or Plastic? Guys, every woman does not want you to be her sugar daddy.

Now, although I agree with that, there's a certain aspect of this that we're missing here. A lot of women complain about men being intimidated by successful women. Granted, there are some men who actually are. But a real man is not. But what keeps some good men from dealing with successful women is that, just like in the greek world where people always talk about their journeys into their respective orgs and want to throw it in everyone's faces, black successful women sometimes have this tendency to do the same, and it's a turnoff to black men, especially if we're on par with you. Both sides compete enough in the workplace during the day; turn that eurocentric corporate mess off when you walk through the door of your home. THANKS!! (This one alludes to #8, but still needed to be said, damnit)

Find out if she is still emotionally attached to her former boo. If she is still hung up on him, you will never make headway and will never touch her heart like you should.

Some women will argue that the best way to get over someone is to spend time with someone else. The problem is that some women play games with men, and don't make it known what their situations are. Ladies, don't wait until a man takes you out to drop the "I'm not over my ex" bomb. And dudes, once you find this out, give her 3-6 months of space before you try to holla at her, especially if it was her that broke it off.

Newsflash - Black couples can build together just like any other nationality.

Newsflash: We can do this, but we don't do enough of it. Why? Because it's not encouraged in our communities. And shows such as the upcoming show "Real Housewives of Atlanta" do not encourage it either. Not many black women these days are into a relationship based on organic growth; they're more about acquisitional growth. Translation: I can count on one hand how many women wanted to date me when I was broke, making $35k a year, living in an apartment, and driving a beat up Maxima. 3 years later, I get a MBA, purchase a home, and drive a luxury car, and all of a sudden the game changed (even with women who knew me when I was broke). Were they trying to work with me when I was broke?.......... EXACTLY

Other than that, great post. ;)